I missed you today...

Dear Grandpa,

I missed you today, I miss you everyday but today was extra hard and I have no reasons why.  I miss your advice, you hearty chuckle and the smell of coffee. I find you in subtle ways, they sometimes take my breathe.  I try to hear you in the symphonies, and see you in the mountains. I miss you today. I miss your stern logic, quick wit and the flick of a lighter. I miss having the answers a phone call away. 

I am afraid. I am afraid I do not have your shoulders, shoulders that could carry the world. I am afraid I do not have your patience. I am afraid today. I am afraid I will make the wrong choices. I am alone at the helm. You told me that I was going to be up against a hell of a battle, but I never asked what you thought I should do. How should I lead? I am a child shaking in her shoes now I must be the adult, the parent, the guardian   

I have had to fight. I'm not a strange to pain and anger. I have had to take the lead, walk in no ones shadow. But this is different, although I didn't always see you I knew you where there, always standing ready. I am afraid of the absence. 

I cried today, until my skin was dry and my throat couldn't speak. I cried until I couldn't. I missed you today. 

I am an orphan. No where to go "back home". I have created a home for others, a soft place to land. but I feel without shelter, exposed and fragile. I feel weak and timid afraid of the fight. Afraid of what you might think. 

I hear the pipes play, the calls for battle. "Be still" or to be "Bold"? How would you fight this one? I believe you would chose both. Still in your heart, bold in your actions. I know what you would say but the words dont seem the same. I miss you today.

God Bless

Lydia