Monday, April 23, 2012

Days 5: Test and a Trust

Day 5
Life is a test and a what have I been through recently that is a test?
Ha!! well let me tell you about a girl named Lydia, you see she has control issues that are in need of some working out, So this was an area she (and some people who swear they love her) identified as a weakness.
well you see this girl won't carpool unless she is driving, won't fly (must drive) and will meet you there before having you drive there is some deeper issues there but basically she doesn't want to depend on anyone else,,right?
Well her car got impounded for the stupidest reason ever...owned the car an hour, got pulled over for a missing license plate, car impounded for a MONTH!! seriously..the courts even agreed repeatedly that this had to be some kind of loop hole but all in all I was screwed (yup it was me lol) anyway I learned to trust that there had to be a reason and as hard as it was to admit that i needed to be thankful for the opportunity to improve myself, to better understand.

It was a long month, (a reeeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy long month) but I learned that I do not have to be in control to have things work out. In fact, I am not in control of any thing really  and things are pretty good.

This post is two fold since the question is also what are you entrusted with?
Motherhood is a pretty obvious answer, right?To take care of these precious children to help them grow and mature into adults *shudders* that go on to do great things for the world. I think that is my most important assignment but I believe my assignment is a bit more than that but rather to care for people. to encourage and inspire. to help others kids, my sisters, my friends and myself..I guess that is what I feel compelled to do, what I was designed for, maybe that will change with time but as of now I am here to serve through compassion and awareness...

Okay I know it has been twenty some odd days since the last post but i have been journal-ling this stuff but should be caught up by tomorrow :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Day Four:Habits that stick

The next lesson was a bit more fun. So considering I will be around for awhile..what is one thing I should start doing and one thing I should quit doing? Just one???

Stop: Doubting/stressing over what I have no control over. Focus on Faith and accept that I am not in control of anyone but me

Go: Take better care of my whole self: take time to reflect and give myself what I need. It may be a run today..a smoothie tomorrow...outreach the next day. But I need to listen to myself to find that out.

Seems to work on paper...  :)

Day Three: What Drives Me?

After two days of thinking about this question I have decided that I am driven primary from guilt. Yes of course I drive toward materialist goals however they are rooted in guilt; am I good enough? will my kids be upset?
Am I driven by fear? damn straight. fear I am not doing enough, being enough. Fear that there will never be enough...ummm sounds like guilt. Am I angry?...yup sure am. then I feel guilty for being, looking or sounding like those who have made me angry.Do I strive for others approval?? Every day..blanket statements are always directed towards me you know, like when my boss announces to the entire staff that we need to cut down on over time..I get all anxious and worried...which is super dumb: I am salaried!! Need a volunteer? announce it. I will guilt myself into it seeking your approval.
so the more I thought about this I stewed o and on..what am I guilty of?? well a lot I am sure, over complicating things, over analyzing, focusing on the meaningless.
I am learning this week that I am more broken and fragile than I ever thought. That I do not want to by driven by feelings of inadequacy but rather feeling completed by my relationship with Him. I want to lead the life I was created to complete

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day Two: Who am I?

So today I have been pondering who I am...the book asks me to think about character traits, back ground and physical appearance that I am struggling to accept. (and of course given the nature of this journey I must question how these things make me who I am , how do they make me stronger?)
 Character Traits:
I am stubborn, if I trust you and consider you a friend I will do anything for you..maybe even if it's not good for you. I will support you..If you have hurt me, well that's something I cannot easily forget and if I can remember it's nearly impossible to forgive. I can walk away from people..plain and simple no matter the history, relationship or any other factor. I do not know how or why I can do this, it hurts me to think I can be that cold.
Physical appearance:
Well I mean I would change a few things but it's nothing that gets in my way. I don't see someone I don't like when I look in the mirror..which isnt great for motivating myself to the gym but I am happy in my skin.
This is where it gets messy. I have seen good, bad and ugly in people that could make you sick. I have a hard time trusting people. I do not believe that anybody truly cares past what they need. I am insecure beyond what any of you may think. Anyway, I could bitch and moan about explain to you my relationships with my parents, their influences and the shit they put me through. I could tell you things that councilors just shake their heads at..poor thing. But I am over that, I can not and will not let any human being define me.
At this moment I find peace is the fact they did not create me the had me. I am not the flesh I was born to...and for that I thank God. I am not them. I am stable, loving and strong. I find peace knowing that there was a reason and it will help me with what is in store.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Day One: Let's start at the beginning

So in my last post I was pretty whiny..and self, ME and some more me.
The first point that is made in the book is simple to read but hard to understand: It's not about me (i know, right??)

I was created for His purpose by His purpose (and no I am not that special, so where you!) that in all of this confusion it is not for me to decide what it means to be great but rather except and grow into what God has had planned for me. In order to grow into this I must remind myself, without making it too much about myself, that is it about living for God, His purpose and that alone.

My first prayer is to thank God for my life, my creation and my salvation. To ask for wisdom, not to know it all but to listen to the hints, to follow His lead and then to understand my purpose.

What is the point?!?

This is a question that has been bugging me for quite awhile. I mean seriously..what is the point? why I am I where I am at this moment? why did this happen? why did that happen? why do we go through this motion or that?  okay okay.. I know this sounds super cliche however, it is a valid question.
For example, Why do we go to work? Obviously we need to earn a paycheck to pay the bills but what else do you get from this? How do you touch the world? shape lives? I mean every body has the opportunity, right? An ounce of kindness goes a long way...I just began looking at my career and thought it is obvious I can help people through some pretty dark times but maybe I can do more...I know I can do more...but how? and what is the purpose? to give me a warm fuzzy feeling? Maybe..but I doubt it. I need to think bigger..smarter...deeper.
After letting this eat me up for awhile I started picking apart everything..I mean everything..from chores to my marriage...what am i doing to make this great? because if it is not great...WHAT'S THE POINT??? well I have come to decide that the point is to be great! To help others be great! but by what standards? who decides?
This is a very overwhelming topic that I am scared to death to explore...but I must dig deeper.
I have found in order to dig I must reach..higher than I can alone..I need help. So I will pray..for the next 40 days I am going follow the "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren and I will reflect, learn and most of all grow. I am excited (and admittedly a bit nervous) to find out..or at least begin to discover, why.