Thursday, April 5, 2012

Day Three: What Drives Me?

After two days of thinking about this question I have decided that I am driven primary from guilt. Yes of course I drive toward materialist goals however they are rooted in guilt; am I good enough? will my kids be upset?
Am I driven by fear? damn straight. fear I am not doing enough, being enough. Fear that there will never be enough...ummm sounds like guilt. Am I angry?...yup sure am. then I feel guilty for being, looking or sounding like those who have made me angry.Do I strive for others approval?? Every day..blanket statements are always directed towards me you know, like when my boss announces to the entire staff that we need to cut down on over time..I get all anxious and worried...which is super dumb: I am salaried!! Need a volunteer? announce it. I will guilt myself into it seeking your approval.
so the more I thought about this I stewed o and on..what am I guilty of?? well a lot I am sure, over complicating things, over analyzing, focusing on the meaningless.
I am learning this week that I am more broken and fragile than I ever thought. That I do not want to by driven by feelings of inadequacy but rather feeling completed by my relationship with Him. I want to lead the life I was created to complete

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